


Nick D!ck and other Sh!t

by JudithWilde



Category: Zootopia (2016)
Genre: F/M, funny af
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-28
Updated: 2017-01-28
Packaged: 2018-09-20 09:45:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9485579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JudithWilde/pseuds/JudithWilde
Summary: This story was described as: weird, hilarious, disturbingly honest, and idiotic. Don't read this. Actually, I can't tell you what to do but.. just don't go into this thinking its going to follow the laws of physics or... any laws really.





	

Finally the moment I’ve been waiting for.   
“Are you ready?” he whispers. I nod and he drops his boxers. All I see is fur.   
“Wait, where is it?”   
“What? What’s wrong?”  
“You’re-” I make an aggravated noise and gesture at his nethers, or lack thereof.   
Nick crosses his arms. “Well what about you? What do you have?”  
“I have-” I pull the waistband of my underwear out and feel- nothing! All there is is fur. “This makes no sense.” I say, shaking my head in disbelief.  
Byron Howard enters the room, hands clasped with an apologetic smile. “Sorry guys. If we added the uh- carrot and the burrow, we’d get some heat from Disney.”  
“Well what about my heat?” Nick exclaims, throwing up his arms.  
“Hey, don’t kill the messenger. I know a way to make everyone happy,” Byron says, then looks down at Nick. “Could you pull your pants up?”  
“Not like there’s anything to see anyway,” Nick grumbles as he raises his jeans.  
“What can we do?” I ask.  
Byron crouches down and lowers his voice as if telling a secret. “Outside of this world and the Earth world, there is another world.” I listen and lean forward, eyes widening, heart beating-  
“I am not going back to 2-D. You cant make me-” I punch Nick in the arm to quiet him.  
Byron chuckles. “No, no. The world I’m thinking of isn’t constrained by dimensions. It is a place called the World Wide Web.”  
“So.. if we go there I get a dick?”  
Byron pats Nick on the head and glances at me. “Yes, and much more. It is not a place for the faint of heart, I’m afraid.”  
“What? Are you saying I can’t handle it?” I lift my chin. “What’s the worst that can happen?”  
Byron looks away and I see his eyes glisten with tears. “These- These people have done terrible things. Things you couldn’t even imagine with you two. It’s obscene.” With every word, I feel a fear build higher and higher.   
“Sounds like my kinda party. Let’s go,” Nick says and walks to the door.  
“Nick wait!” I say and I turn back to Byron. “What kinds of things?”   
“Come. I’ll show you.” He gets up and opens the door. What used to be my hallway is now a mess of swirling colors. I feel myself moving towards it like a magnetic pull bringing me closer until I’m only inches from it. I feel a paw grab mine and look up beside me.   
“Are you ready?” Nick asks again.   
I don’t know what could happen to us once we step forward so in case this is the last time, I tell him, “Nick, I lo-“  
My words are cut off when Byron’s hands shove us out of the room and into the portal where we could never return from. Well, until the Zootopia sequel, that is.


End file.
